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Hey all. I havent posted much for a while now. I still think about you guys. You all helped me so much , and I appreciate that. I wanted to come and tell you that. 

I don't remember exactly what I've posted and not. But Ive had some medical issues since last March, been off work and such. But in the midst of that. Many doctors urged me to get another psych opinion, said my meds didnt make sense, etc. My Pdoc wasn't listening to me anyways. So I did. I have been with a new doctor and her team, and its been wonderful. We've gone back to my old diagnosis, while still keeping an eye out for symptoms. The goal is to slowly peel back my meds. I have been totally off Lithium for some time. I am off of welbutrin, and cut the clonazapem down to 0.5mg. I feel wonderful, so much more clear. Only thing thats bothersome is night sweats. When the Lithium was initially cut down, and the clonazapem cut down, i started with night sweats. So we even stopped the tapers, and then proceeded more slowly. They have persisted for almost 5-6 months now. Drenching night sweats. They seem to think that it cant be from the meds at this point since its still persisting, but it correlated directly with the med reduction. But is what it is.

I also used some time to dive into therapy more, was going intensively 2 times a week to work through some of my past issues. What a help. I think I finally was able to process alot, and change my way of thinking, and accept some things. Came to ALOT of realizations. Things that I think people can tell you 50398432 times, but until you are ready to hear it, you wont. Stupid things like, " you need to think positive", or "you need to find the good in things". Ive been able to really change my mindset.

Some of that too was starting yoga. I found a studio that isnt just exercised and pose based, like most places in the U.S. It is holistic, and whole body/mind/spirit. It has really helped me again, change my thought process, and ground me. I am actually starting a training course to really dive into things even deeper. 

 

 

Anyways, just thought I'd drop by and update. I do check things out here and there. Thanks again to everyone, you truly made a massive difference in my life. If I can help anyone, or anyone needs to talk, just shoot me a message!

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Hey @looking for answers Great to hear an update from you, it's really nice to hear that you are doing much better. What was the first major turning point? Just curious what helped you the most.... I can't recall what your initial diagnosis was, or the symptoms that drove you to start meds etc. I do remember you were in quite a deep hole for awhile. Will you keep certain meds on board longterm? Congrats!

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32 minutes ago, Blahblah said:

Hey @looking for answers Great to hear an update from you, it's really nice to hear that you are doing much better. What was the first major turning point? Just curious what helped you the most.... I can't recall what your initial diagnosis was, or the symptoms that drove you to start meds etc. I do remember you were in quite a deep hole for awhile. Will you keep certain meds on board longterm? Congrats!

Thanks! My diagnosis was always anxiety and depression. Then along the way one dr who I didn't agree with said i was bp2. The next few doctors said they disagreed but was sticking with it since most meds weren't working. Long road of poor psychiatric care imho.

 

but with the medical stuff. A few doctors urged for another opinion, along with my therapist(who works for my ex dr) that I still see. So I did. They were on board that the diagnosis and meds didn't make sense. The goal was to reduce medications. As soon as I got down to 300 lithium I could feeL the tides turning. The med reduction has been nothing but positive.

 

But the turning point was some realizations in life. That you cant change things. Things happen for a reason. I can can control some of my thoughts, actions etc. it was just my time to finally turn the corner. The twice a week therapy along with the med changes were the big help. 
 

then my yoga teacher, and different views on life, and the world has changed me as well. Just the perfect storm of help.

im still growing in all aspects. I stil have anxiety and depression. But with everything going on it's normal imho. 
 

also vocalizing a lot what I personally want and need. How are you?

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29 minutes ago, argh said:

How did that one doc justify the bp2 dx?

I remember your huge cocktail. Did literally none of it help? I thought lithium was a game changer?

It helped. But it mashed things down and sedated and such. Think at a time each med had a purpose. But we needed to peel back massively. Lithium was a game changer. It pulled me out of a very dark hole. It did help. But when I felt a bit better consistently and was clearly over medicated, we didn't wanna listen .

 

that pdocs eval was strange. He told me to  only answer what he asked. Not to expand on things. Time was limited. So if I tried to explain why I had anxiety in a situation he hissed at me and clapped his hand to shoosh. But his rationale was none of the meds they tried were working, so my anxiety had to me a manifestation of mania, and that I was bipolar 2. That was it. I tried to ask questions, I cried sitting there . He told me to leave and pointed at the door. Told me to drive myself to the psych hospital and enroll in an iop. Told me to stop all my meds , including 2 mg of klonopin cold turkey, and start seroquel. I even said that's not safe with the klonopin he told me I was fine.

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3 minutes ago, argh said:

what a dick

It was interesting. But then from there my pcp managed my meds until I got into an iop, including putting me back on klonopin, and managing the seroquel. But then the iop doc said he didn't see bipolar. But that since I had failed so many drugs, and that this other doc must have seen something, that we should hold that diagnosis and try that route. Then it stuck. Even when I got out of the iop the new doc said " I don't think your bipolar, but someone did, and you just can't know, I can't say for certain, so wel just stick with what's working for now" thus we stayed. 

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10 minutes ago, argh said:

ok that's fair. the clincher for me was the fact that gabapentin and lamotrigine work so well for me..and I hadn't had the best luck with ADs.

Same as you. I came in with depression and anxiety. Mixed episodes too, angry and irritability. I do suppose i get elevated at times, mostly drug related however. i think anyways. It's hard to even conceptualize what it was like before meds in my case.

I doubt my DX every so often..like right now in fact, but things work, so I'm just going to go with it.

Good for you though. It's good to see you made it..or at least are on the path to getting everything sorted. Was wondering the other day where you went actually.

Ha yeah I'm still around! Thing with me when I crashed is I had so many other medical issues, and life issues. It was hard to sort it all out. I never identified as ever bein "up" only down. Anxiety yeah, a lot. I dunno. I think I set sabatoged a lot too with meds, if there was a side effect I tossed it aside. I also for the longest time wanted the med to do all the work. Then when I crashed I NEEDED a med to do the heavy lifting. Now I'm doing a lot of work. I think it's hard to sort things out, for ourselves, and for doctors. It's an ever evolving process. No case is cookie cutter.  
 

this may sound odd but I think he combination of life events and medical events lead to a huge downward spiral. The combination of the two crashed me mentally. But physically my body changed with the medical things. The meds were changing too physically. I think my literal cellular processes changed with the medical events. Just a theory.

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Very glad to hear from you @looking for answers! I've actually been thinking about you lately for some reason. So happy to hear that you've made so much improvement!

9 hours ago, looking for answers said:

He told me to  only answer what he asked. Not to expand on things. Time was limited. So if I tried to explain why I had anxiety in a situation he hissed at me and clapped his hand to shoosh.

Oh HELL no... that would not go down with me... I'd leave his office and demand my copay to be refunded. That's unacceptable.

9 hours ago, looking for answers said:

I tried to ask questions, I cried sitting there . He told me to leave and pointed at the door. Told me to drive myself to the psych hospital and enroll in an iop. Told me to stop all my meds , including 2 mg of klonopin cold turkey, and start seroquel. I even said that's not safe with the klonopin he told me I was fine.

I would've reported his sorry ass to your state medical board. That is absolute horse shit.

9 hours ago, argh said:

I doubt my DX every so often..like right now in fact, but things work, so I'm just going to go with it.

I do the same too. My pdoc told me I might be bipolar I or even schizoaffective bipolar type, but that she's "leaning" towards bipolar type II. Now she likes to keep me in the dark because she thinks I'll obsess over anything she tells me, which she's partially correct, but I obsess worse over being kept in the dark.

8 hours ago, looking for answers said:

Then when I crashed I NEEDED a med to do the heavy lifting. Now I'm doing a lot of work.

I'm the same way. I expect my meds to do all the work, and when I crash, I feel like the meds must do the heavy lifting. But I started seeing a new therapist; my prior one retired completely I think (she was in partial retirement there for a while, and when I tried contacting her, she never responded... sad because I've been seeing her since I was 7 or 8, and I'm 32 now... she knows me the most extensively out of all my mental healthcare professionals).

8 hours ago, argh said:

That's the truth right there. It's both endogenous and exogenous facts that come together and wreck our shit.

Couldn't have said it better... lol

Well @looking for answers, again, so happy to hear from you, and do keep us updated on how you're doing! Don't be a stranger! ;) 

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I'm a noob here so don't know your journey. But it sounds like you've been through it. Glad to hear that you are feeling a difference...in a good way. Changing body and mind simultaneously can be liberating, if done with the right practitioner. And good that the med changes are helping and not hurting. Sometimes those can wreck you. Very hopeful to read about this new chapter! :)

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3 hours ago, AppalachianBookDust said:

I'm a noob here so don't know your journey. But it sounds like you've been through it. Glad to hear that you are feeling a difference...in a good way. Changing body and mind simultaneously can be liberating, if done with the right practitioner. And good that the med changes are helping and not hurting. Sometimes those can wreck you. Very hopeful to read about this new chapter! :)

3 hours ago, AppalachianBookDust said:

I'm a noob here so don't know your journey. But it sounds like you've been through it. Glad to hear that you are feeling a difference...in a good way. Changing body and mind simultaneously can be liberating, if done with the right practitioner. And good that the med changes are helping and not hurting. Sometimes those can wreck you. Very hopeful to read about this new chapter! :)

Thank you! hope all is well with you also!

9 hours ago, Rabbit37 said:

Omg, LFA, you’ve been through SO much, I’m thrilled to hear your life is looking up! That’s awesome! 

thank you thank you! im excited too!

13 hours ago, mikl_pls said:

Very glad to hear from you @looking for answers! I've actually been thinking about you lately for some reason. So happy to hear that you've made so much improvement!

Oh HELL no... that would not go down with me... I'd leave his office and demand my copay to be refunded. That's unacceptable.

at that point in life, i didnt know what to do, i was out of options, literally no one else in the city could see me besides admitting myself. Thats how i ended up there.

13 hours ago, mikl_pls said:

I would've reported his sorry ass to your state medical board. That is absolute horse shit.

i told a few doctors about it, they all just shake their head. Ive read some of his reviews, and seen similar

13 hours ago, mikl_pls said:

I do the same too. My pdoc told me I might be bipolar I or even schizoaffective bipolar type, but that she's "leaning" towards bipolar type II. Now she likes to keep me in the dark because she thinks I'll obsess over anything she tells me, which she's partially correct, but I obsess worse over being kept in the dark.

I used to obsess over it, but i dont now. But i never ever identified with that.

13 hours ago, mikl_pls said:

I'm the same way. I expect my meds to do all the work, and when I crash, I feel like the meds must do the heavy lifting. But I started seeing a new therapist; my prior one retired completely I think (she was in partial retirement there for a while, and when I tried contacting her, she never responded... sad because I've been seeing her since I was 7 or 8, and I'm 32 now... she knows me the most extensively out of all my mental healthcare professionals).

I think sometimes the meds need to do the heavy lifting. Sometimes you need to do the heavy lifting. In reality at some point, you both must do some lifting........at some point, when and if you and your body are ready, you find the right mix

13 hours ago, mikl_pls said:

Couldn't have said it better... lol

Well @looking for answers, again, so happy to hear from you, and do keep us updated on how you're doing! Don't be a stranger! ;) 

Thank you sir!

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On 1/28/2020 at 8:30 PM, looking for answers said:

 my yoga teacher, and different views on life, and the world has changed me as well. Just the perfect storm of help.

im still growing in all aspects. I stil have anxiety and depression. But with everything going on it's normal imho. 
also vocalizing a lot what I personally want and need.  How are you?

Well, mood has been stable for months (knock on wood). I've reached a point where I think the meds I'm on are the best it's going to get (as far as pharmaceuticals go). Main challenges are situational. Big scary life changes & stuff. Huge decisions. Of course some stuff I have control over (like maintaining self-care and managing my reactions to events) but many outside forces, we just don't have control over all outcomes. I am so afraid a bad crash is around the corner....

I've just been stuck for so long, I need to keep up positive efforts. It's exhausting. Not to sound cliché, but I take 2 steps forward (and about 4 steps back). I'm praying for more strength and resilience and that "perfect storm" of help to arrive....a soft landing 🙂 Keep in touch with us here, it's inspiring to hear when people climb out of the pit.

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5 hours ago, Blahblah said:

Well, mood has been stable for months (knock on wood). I've reached a point where I think the meds I'm on are the best it's going to get (as far as pharmaceuticals go). Main challenges are situational. Big scary life changes & stuff. Huge decisions. Of course some stuff I have control over (like maintaining self-care and managing my reactions to events) but many outside forces, we just don't have control over all outcomes. I am so afraid a bad crash is around the corner....

I've just been stuck for so long, I need to keep up positive efforts. It's exhausting. Not to sound cliché, but I take 2 steps forward (and about 4 steps back). I'm praying for more strength and resilience and that "perfect storm" of help to arrive....a soft landing 🙂 Keep in touch with us here, it's inspiring to hear when people climb out of the pit.

Think positive. I know easier said than done. But believe you have some good coming to you, and that you deserve it. You can get there. It sounds like you are making positive steps. Be thankful for that, every day. Keep moving forward. Realize you will have set backs, thats ok! Just keep your head up. Im always around, I get notifications,and i lurk!

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