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(Holy crap this is long - short version = I am poor and I suck)

So I overdrew (is that even a fucking word???) my fucking checking account.  Not only did I overdraw my account, but almost a week before, I realized that I was going to overdraw my account so I put some things on my credit card that I promised myself I wouldn't use so I could pay off the 4k I owe.  So I'm doubly pissed at myself.  At first I thought it was just 1 transaction that didn't have enough funds, with a $19 overdraft fee, but I now find out is was 3.  One with the $19 fee and 2 with $31 fees.  FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCKKKKKKK.  I hate this shit.  I hate having to scrimp and save, but then drop all kinds of fucking money on docs and meds and such like I am fucking donald trump.  I pay $100/month on meds, $80/month on tdoc, and lately $40/month on pdoc.  what the fuck.  And I thought everything was going to be better now because I got a raise, but it wasn't what I thought.  I know there are people out there that don't have jobs and are in worse positions than I am, but I need to bitch about my deal.

So I work for my dad.  When I quit my job in September, basically because I just couldn't show up and wasn't even needed to do anything anyway - but also in a manic fit - my dad offered me a pt position so I could go to outpatient 3x's/week and try to sleep through my suicidal thoughts.  I've worked for him before so I know the job.  He put me on his co's health ins and paid me $600/week gross, for 20hrs mind you - so I could pay my fucking bills.  I barely made ends meet and maxed out my already straining credit card.  And around that time my gas bill jumped from $40 to $120.  Love ya winter. 

So then in January I start working ft and he keeps me at $600/week.  we agree that I will become office manager, a position he offered me in May but I didn't take.  he has to fire the previous one, she was horrible, and I begin.  He pays severance to the previous OM through the beginning of March.  I figure he is going to give me a raise after that is over, which he does.  I couldn't come right out and ask him, it is the deal with him as a boss that if we ask for something we won't get it.  Some bs about people expecting things.  Back in May he said the position pays $40k.  The pay raise only bumps me up to $36k.  And he pretty much makes me open a 401k, not much to miss but still.  I should be happy with what I have, and grateful as hell that he paid me so much from September - which I am - but I am still fucking poor!!  My fall budget was razor tight, so that I literally didn't have $ for food.  Maybe $10/week.  (and I forgot to add my car ins to the budget - this is important for later) 

Now, my budget is a little better, so that I can actually eat.  I am also a jackass with money.  When I get a little I spend a lot.  After I got the raise a few weeks ago, I ate out (unheard of), joined Weight watchers and pre-paid $108, and spent a whopping $70 at the grocery store!  I haven't had a food shopping trip like that in MONTHS, if not a year.  Dumbass that I am forgot that my car ins was due - $300 that I SHOULD have just put on my credit card and said fuck it, but I paid cash. 

NOW I barely have the $ to make rent next week and can't afford to pay my credit card bills which are also due this week.  Forget eating, that is a luxury.  Oh, and I can't afford my tdoc appt wed or the GP that I am supposed to go to on Thurs for presumed IBS that has been causing some SEVERE problems for the last 3 months. 

And the kicker?  In November, after I got of inpatient, I decided I needed a pet.  Instead of going to a shelter like any normal broke person, I go to the pet store where I proceed to buy a $450 cat.  This was dumb for multiple reasons.  Besides the $ spent (cash not credit) I am not allowed acats in my apt.  And the cat was evil, even in the store - clawing at me and meowing like I was killing it.  Genius.  After a few days I took his ass back hoping they would take pity on the poor crazy girl even though they had a no returns whatsoever clause.  They agree to take him, but on consignment, so that when he is sold they will split what they get for him 50/50.  There goes at least $225.  I spent $225 to rent a cat for 4 days.  And all he did was hide behind my washing machine and whine.  I called in Dec - cat wasn't sold.  Jan - cat wasn't sold.  Feb - cat wasn't sold.  I haven't even called this month because I am going to march my ashamed ass down there and see for myself if cat from hell was sold.  And if it was sold months ago I AM GOING TO BITCH UP A FUCKING STORM.  I am going to pull out all the stops and go fucking bipolar on their ass.  Fuck this trying to fake it to the public.  Wende is going postal. 

I am going to have to ask my dad for money AGAIN.  In January I asked him for $200 to pay my credit card bills.  Oddly enough that was after I paid my car Ins as well and it left me penniless.  See above for my ingenius didn't-factor-in-car-ins-into-budget thing. 

Oh and I never cancelled my savings account so they have still been taking $3/month out.  I am down to -$5.  I should probably cancel that huh? 

I suck.  I am not responsible enough to take care of myself.  I don't even WANT to live most of the time, how am I supposed to deal with figuring out HOW to live?  AND I CAN'T FUCKING DRINK OR SMOKE POT OR IT WILL MAKE ME MORE CRAZY.  I am working on almost 3 months sober.  AND I AM ATTEMPTING TO LOSE WEIGHT SO I CAN"T BINGE OR ANYTHING!  Not that I can afford bingeing.  AND I QUIT SMOKING CIGARETTES!  None of my usual coping mechanism are available.  AND MY ASS IS EXPLODING THREE TIMES A DAY!!!  WHICH IS CAUSING ME TO BE UNDERMEDICATED BECAUSE THE MEDS DON"T HAVE TIME TO ABSORB!!!

whywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhyWHY do I even attempt to be a responsible member of society???  I should just accept the fact that I am not and go live in the fucking street.  fuck. 

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And the kicker?  In November, after I got of inpatient, I decided I needed a pet.  Instead of going to a shelter like any normal broke person, I go to the pet store where I proceed to buy a $450 cat.  This was dumb for multiple reasons.  Besides the $ spent (cash not credit) I am not allowed acats in my apt.  And the cat was evil, even in the store - clawing at me and meowing like I was killing it.  Genius.  After a few days I took his ass back hoping they would take pity on the poor crazy girl even though they had a no returns whatsoever clause.  They agree to take him, but on consignment, so that when he is sold they will split what they get for him 50/50.  There goes at least $225.  I spent $225 to rent a cat for 4 days.  And all he did was hide behind my washing machine and whine.  I called in Dec - cat wasn't sold.  Jan - cat wasn't sold.  Feb - cat wasn't sold.  I haven't even called this month because I am going to march my ashamed ass down there and see for myself if cat from hell was sold.  And if it was sold months ago I AM GOING TO BITCH UP A FUCKING STORM.  I am going to pull out all the stops and go fucking bipolar on their ass.  Fuck this trying to fake it to the public.  Wende is going postal. 

I love it when the world gives me an excuse to be crazy and self-rightous at the same time.  They are rare and I savor every moment.

What kind of cat costs $450?

whywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhyWHY do I even attempt to be a responsible member of society???  I should just accept the fact that I am not and go live in the fucking street.  fuck.

If I find an underpass with extra room I'll let you know.

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What kind of cat costs $450?

Apparently a really pissy persian.  I'm a sucker for blue eyes, in case any of the men out there want to know.  The question is - do I go in looking all put together or do I go in looking like a dirty crazy person?  And do I go in alone or with a friend for back up?  And how far do you think I can push it without getting arrested?

Not really going to live on streets.  Parents live 2 miles away so I can always mooch off them.  Just have to swallow my enormous pride and erroneous ego adn deal with the guilt of asking for money.  Again. 

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Damn. That's quite a story. I really believe that financial difficulty is one of the most stressful things out there. For the first 5 years of our marriage, my husband and I had to deal with barely making ends meet. And that's WHEN we stuck to the budget. I don't think he bargained for marrying a bipolar shop-a-holic who regularly blew the rent/mortgage on shoes, clothes and handbags (and by the way I looked FANTASTIC... but still)... anyway, it's only now after finally stablizing and a LOT of hard work, that we are finally on our feet. During the time that the finances were horrible, it seemed that nothing was in control.

I don't even want to TRY and add up the overdraft charges we incurred during that time. I'd venture to say thouands.

I don't have any advice to give you, only to tell you that I empathize with your stress and that I hope you find a way to make ends meet. Thank you lucky stars you have parents that have the financial ability to bail you out. My husband and I both come from middle-class families with NO extra money to spare. We had to dig ourselves out of our horrible rut completely on our own. There was no other way...

Ever tried credit counseling? Not a bad idea, under your circumstances. There are a LOT of different companies who do it, and it can really help you out in the long run... just an idea.

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First of all, congrats on getting sober.  I know how difficult it can be.

Plus you stopped smoking too, as an ex smoker I applaud you.

Imagine how much money those nasty habits would be sucking up.

I agree with the credit counseling.  They can often work with the

creditor to reduce interest too.  Just be sure to do some research

because there are unscrupulous ones too.  I try to only buy things

on sale at the supermarket- or buy 1 get one free deals.  I really

have no other advice but I hope you're feeling less stressed soon.

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I was out of town pretty recently and got the obligatory USA Today motel newspaper which contained an article on a group of people who started a no-shopping pledge compact.  The glance I'd done before stuffing it into my backpack had made it sound like it had turned into the quite the trend.

I, of course, have not not read it yet because I still have things I want to buy right now, dammit!

Joking/not joking aside, it looks like there is a Yahoo group: groups.yahoo.com/group/thecompact

And no, I have not read the article yet.

Back to the topic at hand, I totally understand where you are coming from Gwen. Cue Social Distortion's "Story Of My Life";  I always jump the gun when I get the little teasers that things are starting to get back on track and then I go crazy with the 'oh cool and now I can have this and now I can do this and it's all back to normal and I can spend money like normal and oh wait no I can't and oh no and oops I got this unexpected bill and now I'm behind and oh no I have less money than I thought and but wait it wasn't supposed to be like this oh shit!'. Yeah. Ugh.

I'm sorry things are going roughly for you. I hope it comes back around.

Ruins

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