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breaking my own heart


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i just need to get this out of my head.

i cant stop calling my ex. this is a guy who did the following to me in summary:

*cheated on me (god only knows how many times)

*left me the night i went to doctors for dx

*gave me an STD which ended up leading to cancer surgery

*constantly commented and verbally abused me about my weight and apperance knowing full well i have an eating disorder

*has an attitude that i should be fucking grateful to him for helping me, when honestly he caused a great deal of my emotional distress.

and the list goes on

and just like i am addicted to cutting myself and addicted to making myself sick i am addicted to calling this guy every so often just so i can hear him say

*how well he is doing without me

*how his new girlfriend is great

*how some people are just not ment to be (but he says it in a condesending way, like he was to bloody good for me

*how he tried and tries so much to help me

*and how he really wants me to get better, when if he did wouldnt he do something to help me, or wouldnt he of helped me when i needed it.

Why cant i just leave this loser to his own pathetic life as a security gaurd at a strip joint (told u he is a sleaze) and move on.

Why do i keep calling him to have him tell me just how sick i am and how good he is and how glad he is that he isnt with me.

Its like i am tearing my heart out over and over again, everytime i call i relive every painful memory a thousand times over. Why do i do this?

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Aw, IV, I am so sorry. That is no way to live.

I don't mean to go all Dr. Phil on your ass, but you tell me why you do that. When you hang up the phone, what feelings do you have? What feelings do you have right before you pick up the phone?

Sweetie, this is going to sound so lame but it sounds like you are in a battle with yourself to determine your self-worth. Some part of you, a strong part, wants you to keep believing that you are a worthless human being. And periodically, you have to have those feelings validated by someone who will tell you will pretty much humiliate you.

I would bet that if you ever DID start to think you were a worthy human being, you would call him some more.

There are several reasons why people would want to think poorly of themselves. Sometimes it's easier to do that than to pick yourself up by your bootstraps and move on. How do you feel about the rest of your life? Do you have a lot of guilt? Are you attracted to anyone else and if so, what are your feelings about that?

You are engaging in this distructive behavior because it serves a purpose for you. You just have to figure out what that purpose is. And then you can work on getting rid of that purpose in your life. And it can be done. There are lots of good articles on the internet that can be helpful. But a lot of us engage in this sort of destructive behavior.

There are a lot of reasons that your self-esteem might be in a bad place, and because of that, you think you are only "good enough" for a louse like him. That's also something you can work on.

Hang in there. And DON'T call that asshole anymore!!!

Sam

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I agree with everything that's been said so far.

I have to add that we have so many self-destructive behaviors, like eating disorders and the like. I think that keeping in touch with your ex from hell is another of those behaviors. You deserve better, and can achieve it. I think the same things your treatment team tells you to do to battle your eating disorder could be used in this situation.

I'm not the pro on this. I hope this helps some.

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Hi...

As someone who's been through a lot of unwanted shit with men, let me advise you to do what will inevitably be the most difficult thing you ever do: make a clean break from this guy.

I've found that sometimes there is really no other way to move forward than to let the past go completely. At first it sucks. But... if you can surround yourself with people who can constantly remind you how special and amazing you are, eventually you'll be able to move on. Sometimes you really can't do it on your own...

Do you have any close girlfriends that you can talk to? If I were you, everytime you want to pick up the phone to call him, I'd pick up the phone and call THAT PERSON instead. Say whatever you want... I miss him, I'm freaking out, etc.... and if they are a good friend they will let you rant and rave and get it all out.

Sam is right...this is NO way to live. Sometimes what we need is to kick ourselves in the ass and say 'ya know what? I'm AWESOME! What the hell am I doing wasting my time on this dickhead?'

Go get a manicure, pedicure, massage, facial... whatever. Something girly. Go out with your girlfriends and wear those special jeans that make your ass look effin' fantastic.

Pretty soon, you'll be saying... 'dickhead who?'

<edit> I wanted to also say that you will probably have more setbacks than you can imagine. It's a daily battle... and although it gets better, sometimes it never goes away. You just have to keep reminding yourself that you don't deserve what happened to you, but that you are strong enough to move past it if you just keep on trying. You're not perfect, and nobody expects you to be. Having a good support system is worth its weight in gold.

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Hi Iona.. I remember being the same way, and yer it is very painful.  I can feel my old pain just thinking about it... tho the ex I'm talking about was an angel compared to yours.

There isn't any easy answer.  First one is to try and simply stay away from the bastard at all costs! Only you can stop yourself from calling him up.  But, it is a good idea to work out what *really* drives you to do it.  Maybe start by writing down all the reasons why you call him.  Dig deep and find the emotions.  Like Sam said, it can sound all Dr Phil, but you need to find the real reason you keep calling him.  You deserve heaps better.

One thing I've done with a lot of my ex's, and this is just me, but I get some photos and letters, and bits and pieces, together and burn them.  It's a symbolic letting go of the past, and I find it works well.  It's not until maybe a few months down the track that I look back, and go, oh yeah, that did actually help.

HL

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Another thing you can do is use him. Did I say use him?! Sho nuff! Use him as a motivating tool for yourself. Whenever you're about to make a decision, imagine his reaction. Does he nod his head and patronize you? Does he say he's not really surprised since you've got all these problems? If he does, do the opposite! Imagine running into him sometime in the future. How do you want to look? Don't you think it would be great if he walked away from that situation cursing the day he let you go?

One more thing to maybe be looking for: Make sure you're not using this guy as a "reason" for you to cut or a justification for eating disorder behaviors. It can be really easy to sort of seek out someone who makes us feel bad so that we can continue those behaviors. It makes it easier to explain them to other people in terms that they can understand better. (I cut myself because my ex made me feel so bad when I talked to him.) It makes it easier to explain, but it's not true, and it will confuse your efforts to move past those issues.

It's hard  because when you hang out with healthier people, cutting or starving or throwing up makes you feel soooo guilty! But it doesn't last forever! I promise! You just have to keep after it, and feel pleased for each day that you don't harm yourself.

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i think what everyone has been saying is so true.

Reba 6465,  i did the same thing with the promiscuous acts to the point where i was basically letting myself be raped.

but for some reason, and believe me i have searched high and low for answer i cant rid myself of him.

i think i do use him as an excuse to feel bad, like "if he thinks this way about me and i think that way well it must be true"

I think i also want the hurt because it is real pain, pain others, especially non Mi people understand. Everyone understands the pain that comes from a heartbreak or a bad relationship, but its harder for them to understand the pain that comes from my MI. And i think in a way i use him and what he did as an excuse, cover, mask for the pain that i cant explain where it comes from.

I also think part of me, just that tiny little bit, like many abused women, hopes that maybe he has changed, maybe it could work.

i just dont want to be the victim anymore.

BTW i have tried making a clean break, but he always worms back in by doing sneaky things like calling me on unlisted numbers, sending messages through people i know, innocent people who are none the wiser that we do not get along until they have opened their big mouths and relayed his message and i have to tell them to kinda shut up and i dont want to hear it.

i just dont want to fall into that role of playing the victim if that makes sense?

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i just dont want to be the victim anymore.

BTW i have tried making a clean break, but he always worms back in by doing sneaky things like calling me on unlisted numbers, sending messages through people i know, innocent people who are none the wiser that we do not get along until they have opened their big mouths and relayed his message and i have to tell them to kinda shut up and i dont want to hear it.

i just dont want to fall into that role of playing the victim if that makes sense?

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Hey Iona,

I know what it's like to want the pain also... it's kinda comforting in some way, a really sick way really, and it's obviously really destructive.

You are playing the victim, and at some point you're going to have to say enough is enough, and get yourself out of this mess.

You obviously want to put him behind you, but you really really really gotta want to do it.  None of this "I need the pain" sorta stuff.  (i know this sounds harsh but it's true)

You kinda have some idea of why you are hanging on.  You are making excuses though by saying he always worms his way back in to get to you.  At some point you have to say NO EXCUSES.  No matter what.  You say you don't want to play the victim.  At some point you are going to have to walk the walk.

Maybe pick a date, like a month away, and say from that date I will no longer call him, and if someone gives you a message from him, just turn your nose up and say fuck him, and if he calls tell him to fuck off and hang up.  And it gives you time to prepare, and to think about all the reasons you want him the hell out of your life, and to let yourself look forward to a new life without him.... without making any excuses why you should keep talking to him.

Don't let him win.

HL

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Sometimes it is safer to be comfortable in pain than to risk being

happy.  I've been there.  Don't answer your phone if you don't

recognize the #.  I agree that a clean break is best.  Good luck.

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