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dont take this the wrong way

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i am just losing it at the moment. i want to cut so bad, but i know i cant so dont worry at this point in time i wont i just need to  vent and rant and complain.

i want to stop my meds cause the meds made me lazy and slowed my metabolic rate so i got fat.

but i cant stop my meds because it turns out i am barely on a high enough level as it is to do anything to actually help my condition.

see i went to hospital and they recommended this great boat load of daily drugs to take. but when i got out of hospital i realised i need to work and guess what, i cant drive to work when i am that heavily sedated on anti-psychotics, ad's and mood stabilisers.

So my trusted p-doc says u will have to cut back if u want to work, and if u dont work u will end up back in hospital cause i cant just sit around all my life im only 25 and that gives me a long time to be on disability.

So he cuts back my meds so i can drive, BTW the decision to cut back my meds to assist in driving came after i had an accident and was charged and sent to court over reckless driving. Ops note to all on meds, never tell police men u are on anti-psychotic medication unless they very specifically ask and u very specifically and truthfully have to answer.

now i am on the minimum amount of meds i can get away with that will allow me to drive, work and function as a human but also ease to some extent my desire to completely self destruct.

im in full on BPD mode, im seeing things in purely black and white, im not listening to reason and i just want to hurt myself. ARGHHHHHHHHH this is so frustrating.

thanks for letting me vent, the alternative was to take a nice hot shower and practice my handy work with the old razor blade.

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it is showing a lot that you are venting instead of cutting.  that takes major self control... you should be very proud. 

im sorry that things are not going well for you and that you are hurting.  just know that i understand a lot of what you are saying and where you are coming from and that im here if you need anything.

please, continue to vent.  again, it shows a lot that you did this instead of hurt yourself.  i dont know if i could have done the same. 

take came of yourself



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I always read your posts and I think of you often.  You seem like a very nice person.  I don't know you, obviously, but I do hope the best for you and well, I really wish I could help more than to say that I am thinking of you.  And if I am thinking of you and wishing and hoping that you feel better, then I am sure others are thinking and hoping the same thing.

MI is so fucking unfair. 

I know you have helped others in the past.  You are an important member of this community, and if there is one thing I have learned from being a lurker (mostly) is that this CB community is one that cares deeply for its members.

I will check back later and see how you are feeling.


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