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Hey hello again, some of you migth remember me...haven't been around much, too busy going to court and trying to pass my courses and getting sick and all that, sorry. I often think of you guys but...well anyways.

So here I am, 10 months after my breakdown, 8 months after being commited and 6 months of meds later.

I lost custody of my kids to protection services, and I got them back 10 days ago. Only to yell so bad ay my little girl today that she cried. Their foster family was negligent and unhealthy, and thieves who took from them every beautiful thing that I gave them. They are clean and well fed now. But so what.

I started therapy and I continue it, only to have so many ups and downs that I am ashamed to be such a seesaw. Depression, cutting, cryng, can't get out of bed, can't fucking move! Manic, flying, sleep deprived, horny horny horny, spent thousands of dollars on shit I don't even like! There is one constant though: I am always an irritable, twichy bitch. I don't wanna be, and I figth it, but...well, ever saw a beautiful flower bed and wanted to stop ut to shreds just because it's so beautiful? ever felt mad that the sun was out? ever ripped a newspaper to shreds cause an AD made you cry? nah, didn't think so

This scholarship student at one of Canada's most prestigous university now has trouble maintaining a 40% (disability) courseload. I need excuses, extensions, doctors' notes...I get by on pity. All the scholarship money is gone. It will take me an extra year to finish. And for what? I and all who know me, know (and tell me) that I could never function in a job. I should give up and get disability already...except I'm $ 30,000 in debt cause of the student loans. Great isn't.

The meds...in six moths, I was in hospital twice, not from BP, but cause of the meds. I had a terrifying instance of Serotonin Syndrome. My platelets got so low, I would have ended in the emergency if I had so much as caugth a cold. My blood counts went bonkers and I spent two months getting blood sampled every five days, always afraid of what the next one would come up like. We had one scare of possible Rash. Finally, after stumbling around feeling drunk, sedated, seeing blurry and double (hey, it was so cool, I walk in class wavering, looking stoned bonkers, the girl beside me asks me if I'm alrigth) it took two weeks of that for my doctor to see "toxicity"...funny, he had been talking about increasing my meds! nope, got them down, and pssssshhhhh down went my mood with them. Took a week at least until I had a brain again. And I put on fifteen pounds (on a barely five foot frame, which was already at the brink of overweigth) , exercise and salads notwithstanding. Who knows what's next?

I want my innocence back, I wanna live like I don't know what's going on, just react, go by instinct. I wanna tune in and drop out. I wanna give up and become a budhist monk. I wanna live like I don't give a shit (I can't. ironic isn't it). AND I WANT MY (ILLEGAL) DRUGS BACK!!! they worked as good as this prescription shit (ie mostly not), only needed them prn, and with way less side effects.

I try hard to want to live. But there is fucking NO life with bp, it's a fucking nigthmare and the sooner I wake up the better.

Yes, I am being a good girl and taking all my medicine...I was forced to sign a paper that says if I don't they will take my kids away...heck, MY FUCKING SOCIAL WORKER HAS TO PRE-APPROVE EVEN A PRESCRIPTION CHANGE. who the hell do they think they are...anyways.

There. That's my take on all this bullshit.

(Edited cause I said nobody cared, but saw some of you do)

Sorry for the lengthy rant.

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I am sorry things are not going so well for you. Perhaps the only thing I could offer, that is of any use, is my hope that you do not give-up and are able to find a medicine(s) that are helpful.  It does not sound like they currently are.

Take Care.

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I lost custody of my kids to protection services, and I got them back 10 days ago. Only to yell so bad ay my little girl today that she cried. Their foster family was negligent and unhealthy, and thieves who took from them every beautiful thing that I gave them. They are clean and well fed now. But so what.
What??? Am I hearing??? No one remembers you??? I've missed mi hermana sooooooooooooooo much and think of you a LOT!

I knew you were getting them back now and have thought of you every day.

Now, big sister lecture, we talked about this: you knew the time would come when like ALL NORMAL MOMS you snap. Stop the guilt, stop it now!!!

Go hug the princesita and tell her you are adjusting to having them home. Trauma occurs when people do bad things AND don't own up, imo. I yell at my boys alll the time, and I also apologize. And I have gotten well enough to say to them,

for your safety and my sanity, I'm locking myself in my room.

The understand way more than we do, and I bet they are ecstatic to be back with mama.

STAY IN TOUCH PLEASE. I so worry about you...not that you can't handle it, because you are way strong and a warrior, but just that you are isolating.

Love your caucasian by birth latin by choice sister.

S9

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Hi Freesoul:

Im glad that you got your kid(s) back - im not sure if there is more than one.

anyway - they will appreciate food & cleanliness. and I am sure your kids are so thankful to be with you and not the foster parents.

Going to university is hard. add in children & MI and i cant even imagine what you are going through.

I would strongly encourage you to finish the degree - even if it takes longer. because the degree is something for you and it is something you can actually touch that says "Yeah!! Freesoul got a degree!!!"

But if that is too much to think about - i understand. and if i ever become wealthy I'll watch your kids for you for free.

just dont ask how im gonna get wealthy. ;)

love,

december

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Freesoul,

Welcome back, you are Not forgotten.

What a roller coaster you are on. You have taken on a lot after such a short time out of the hospital.  Anyone would be struggling to keep things going. And while you have the relief of getting the kids back, still it is still a big adjustment getting back in the swing of things.

Don't beat yourself up over being less than perfect.  Your children appreciate being reunited with you more than you can know. Give them a hug, kiss and tell them when you aren't feeling well, but that you love them.

It seems that you are having a very rough time with the meds. Give them time to work, but stay on the doctor and let him know exactly how your moods are.

You can rant here any time.

Best,

A.M.

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