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It's been a long while since my last visit here, and even longer since last writing anything.
I don't know where to write this, or even what to write, but there really is no one else to talk to.

So... long story short, I attempted suicide about 6 months ago (not my first try), and obviously, failed at that, again. I have been in a relationship more or less 5 years now, and I guess I can summarize that into "it's complicated". Things have been going from bad to worse since the suicide attempt. To a point that few weeks ago, my (I don't know what to call him, "partner"?) was violent towards me (not really the first time this kind of thing has happened, but certainly the worst).

He so angry all the time (at me, I guess.. and certainly some of it is completely justified), it feels like he is expecting me to be "grateful" for him saving my life, and when I can't, it makes things even worse.

It doesn't really make things any easier, that we both have some pretty serious issues. Me with depression, and trauma-related dissociative "disorder" (?), or at least a tendency to dissociate in difficult situations. And he with alcohol abuse, and some traumas of his own.

Anyway, right now we are still living in the same house (he is occupying most of the space, and I am kind of living in my workroom) but we don't really have a "together-life". I don't have a lot of friends in general, and the few I have are living relatively far from where I live. My mother lives not-too-far-away, but we aren't very close, and I can't imagine talking to her about this.

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Is he in therapy to manage his emotional issues and his issues surrounding your suicide?

Is leaving an option? 

There's some good domestic abuse resources and groups.  There's some for abusers as well as abused as well as those that make no distinction if he'd go.

I hope things get better.

Edited by Banana Smurf
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15 minutes ago, Banana Smurf said:

Is he in therapy to manage his emotional issues and his issues surrounding your suicide?

Is leaving an option? 

There's some good domestic abuse resources and groups.  There's some for abusers as well as abused as well as those that make no distinction if he'd go.

I hope things get better.

Thank you for the reply.

No, he is not in any kind of therapy, we have been in a "couple therapy" (I don't know if that's the correct term) for 4 times now (and we have another 6 times left). But I don't know if that therapy helps any, it's a very short time and so far the discussions have jumped from topic to topic...  He has said that he'll quit drinking, but he has said that before too, so I'm not too optimistic about that.

Leaving is difficult, since we have a sort of a fixed-length rental agreement (the fixed portion of the agreement ends in October), and our financial situation is close to chaotic :(

To be honest, I have no idea what to do.

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27 minutes ago, nanna said:

Coraline, thank you for your reply and your very kind words.

I know that every little bit you are saying is true, but... it's not easy, leaving. :( Even though I know I'd be better off by myself.

I have been in your shoes before, and I escaped with my child, fortunately, before he seriously hurt me.......I know it's hard to leave, from sad experience, but you don't deserve to live in fear ..........I understand what you're saying about the rental agreement, but IMO your safety is more important.

Would staying with your mom for awhile be an option?

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On 2/26/2020 at 2:44 PM, nanna said:

Coraline, thank you for your reply and your very kind words.

I know that every little bit you are saying is true, but... it's not easy, leaving. :( Even though I know I'd be better off by 

...

Edited by coraline
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@nanna, just wanted to give you an additional resource to use, if you feel comfortable.

This is a link to the National Domestic Abuse Hotline (if you live in the U.S.): https://www.thehotline.org/is-this-abuse/

It has a one on one chat service, and a phone number you can call 24/7.

Hope this helps.

Edited by CrazyRedhead
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