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Daily ramblings of a schizoaffective sufferer and enjoyer


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I eat frozen grapes for the sweetness I crave. It's nice also because it's summer here in Australia and the cold grapes cool me off. I love the heat. I read that in the warmer months people with a mood disorder can feel more high than in the colder months. I read that in one of Kay Redfield Jamison's books. She's my idol. I'm lucky that I don't get depressed very much. I actually don't remember the last time I got depressed. I've been very stable lately. They make a big fuss if I'm stressed or hyper for even one day and they make me see them - the doctors I mean - straight away and more often for some time. Some times they increase my meds. The reason for this is because I can be dangerous when I'm unwell. Unwell being psychotic. It sucks because I think for the rest of my life I'll be supervised in a way so I don't hurt people again. It's good that there's a small chance I'll get unwell again, that unwell! I hate the hospital. But under more surveillance,  the times I will end up in hospital, i won't stay for long hopefully. I was dangerous because I thought my life was in danger. It was either me or them. I didn't kill anyone. I just attacked them. that's all I want to say. I have court this year sometime. I will write about it in my memoir. I so badly want to be a writer. I will be one. it's only a matter of time.

I like my illness because of how it affects my creativity and imagination. I am a better writer and artist because of it. I truly believe that. It's a simple fact. The foundational understanding of schizoaffective disorder, psychosis, schizophrenia and bipolar is - more dopamine, more connections in the  brain, more options of doing things, more things to think about, more ways to think, more ways of doing anything, new stuff, more fun, more interesting things. Meds do the opposite. They suppress creativity and exuberance. Having a balance but I'm able to do it! I'm really happy about where I am now. 

I want to empower other people with mental illnesses. I wouldn't be able to related to people with anxiety and depression as much as psychosis and mood disorders, simply because I haven't had much anxiety and depression in my life. I've had boredom though.

I think I'd like to start a blog where I talk about my life living with schizoaffective disorder. Gonna research that now. Ciao! Hope someone replies to this post. I'd love to hear what you think of these words and if people are going through similar stuff! Or different! 

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5 hours ago, April said:

I like my illness because of how it affects my creativity and imagination. I am a better writer and artist because of it. I truly believe that. It's a simple fact. The foundational understanding of schizoaffective disorder, psychosis, schizophrenia and bipolar is - more dopamine, more connections in the  brain, more options of doing things, more things to think about, more ways to think, more ways of doing anything, new stuff, more fun, more interesting things. Meds do the opposite. They suppress creativity and exuberance. Having a balance but I'm able to do it! I'm really happy about where I am now. 

I want to empower other people with mental illnesses. I wouldn't be able to related to people with anxiety and depression as much as psychosis and mood disorders, simply because I haven't had much anxiety and depression in my life. I've had boredom though.

I think I'd like to start a blog where I talk about my life living with schizoaffective disorder. Gonna research that now. Ciao! Hope someone replies to this post. I'd love to hear what you think of these words and if people are going through similar stuff! Or different! 

Hi @April .. I don't have Schizoaffective, but have suffered with major depression & anxiety most of my life. My illness has not been as "extreme" as in my 20's, the meds have removed the lows. As a result of antidepressants & whatnot, I've also lost all of my motivation, drive, interests and creativity. I was extremely creative when I was younger and although I suffered through more breakdowns, I MISS FEELING. The sensitivity that was a huge part of my identity, I was deeply moved by things. It seems that most artists and creatives through history have suffered through some sort of mental illness. It's a catch-22 (for me): Passionate (but hyperemotional, crazy & unable to channel it), or stable (and mostly numb, apathetic)

I would be willing to try going off meds again, if I could only channel my intense emotions into something productive, positive & creative.

You could start a blog also here on CB, I'd follow!  I'm also really curious: with your illness, are you able to work (full-time or part-time)? In what creative ways have you been able to channel your emotions effectively, yet so they don't run your life?   I'd love to hear more positive stories of people with mental illness that are creatively thriving...

Also: if you have any book/film recommendations ? Some of my favorites:

Kay Jamison (Unquiet Mind), Andrew Soloman (Noonday Demon),  Oliver Sacks (all books), Darkness Visible (William Styron), Prozac Nation, Curious Incident of the Dog at Nighttime, Girl Interrupted,, Touched with Fire (film),  Shine (film), Brain on Fire (film) Lucy in the Sky (film)..

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