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Depression is fucking with my existence


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;) I've finally come to the point, where I just feel like it will never get better. 

FUCK. 

I mean if I up the neurotransmitters in my brain with more SSRIs...I'll still be me.

And when something good in my life happens, it just seems to go back to depression after moments of excitement. 

The problem is that I always have this idea, this expecation that when the situation changes (I get into graduate school, I get an awesome new job) I will be happy.

But things never turn out how I had invisioned, and I always end up feeling let down and disappointed with the life I've attempted to make.

I feel empty.  I feel like it will never fucking get better, that the older I get the deeper I'm going to fall,

and I just don't want this anymore. 

I've had enough of the struggle.  It never gets better.  Yes there are lapses in the pain, but it's never to the point of being happy to be alive. 

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I too keep thinking that this or that will make me happy, but then I find out that I always return to my lonely, depressed state.  In a way, I guess it's good that I have optimism that things will change, but I feel like shit when I get depressed again despite my hopes for happiness.

I go day by day figuring out what's going on in my head, and what will really make me happy.  Usually it's letting go of my expectations of what should or shouldn't happen and trying to find some peace at that moment.  I'm not happy, but I have a little faith that my depression will make me a better human being.  And on my better days, I can even appreciate all the good things that my depression has taught me.  For some reason, I have faith that I'll eventually figure it out.  Hang in there.  Life isn't easy.  In fact, it's fucking near impossible most of the time, but it is worth it.

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A person that has "stuff" going for them in life, with alot of advantages SHOULD have no reason to feel this much despair. 

And yet it happens.  And it feels doubly like my fault because I feel wrong for not being able to enjoy the life I do have, when others have much less, yet I'm not content with this existence. 

no one should ever feel that level of despair.

but you don't need to be a refugee to feel it.  depression has never needed a reason.  doubtless being a refugee (etc.  sorry if that example is crass) is extremely depressing and painful.  but it's impossible to compare one person's pain to anothers.  i've always said that the worst thing that has ever happened to a person is the WORST thing that has EVER happened to that person. period.  no comparisons.  no but you have such a nice life/ house/ opportunities/ etc. 

adding guilt to depression is unnecessary.  you have every right to feel the way you do.  and it's not your fault that you feel like this. 

others may have less or more than you, but are able to enjoy what they do have.  the fact that you can not enjoy the good things in your life is in and of itself painful.  you can be greatful for what you have and know that you are lucky, and still not be able to enjoy the blessings you are given.  this part of the pain of depression, and it does not make you a bad person.

sorry if that was preachy sounding... i just spent too long beating myself up about simmilar issues, and realized that there are better places to put my mental and emotional energy than on feeling like an ass for being lucky and still depressed is all and i think that letting go of guilt is a really important thing to do.

best,

penny 

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Heya themind,

Here's a poem my dad used to say a lot:

"When you're feeling really down and life's a total wreck,

Just think of those worse off than you and *really* feel like heck."

Which is tongue-on-cheek but true too.  We all do it.  I do anyways.

I know what you mean about this idea that I *should* be happy/content or whatever b/c I have all this stuff "going for me."

I also have always hinged my hopes on the next big milestone "making me happy."  Graduating once, twice, three times.  Like that.  Never did, and then I feel worse.

And I see so many people every day who are struggling with the basics like food and shelter, and here I sit whining about only being able to work during the day, needing to sleep, or whatever the bipolar crap-du-jour is throwing at me.

That guilt about comparing my/your outward situation/assets with others is rotten and very real.

And I think adds to the crappy guilt that depression carries with it.

I like the (not preachy)  things Penny said.

(Aside:  Hey Penny, what brand is *your* soapbox??  Mine's about worn out ;) )

That all makes sense and if we can try to give ourselves a break maybe we won't be so guilt-ridden.  ?  maybe.

For me anyways the fucking bipolar makes it so I can think it logically but can't feel it on a daily basis.  Yet, I guess, I hope.

I try not to give up.  And I have to think I can feel better.  But ugh.

So I know what you mean.  And try not to give up on yourself.

--ncc--

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Being told to cheer up, being told why I should be happy, thinking about people worse off than I am--the first two just make it worse and the third doesn't help at all. The only worse off I always have to live with is my own. And it even guarantees I won't do anything for those who are [supposedly] worse off.

What's helped (besides medication) is:

understanding that being depressed is not my fault any more than the flu is my fault.

having people close to me understand and accept that I'm struggling with a chronic and crippling disease, and that I'm doing the best I can

living by breaking everything down into really, really small steps, and then taking one of them. I have to, like, get myself to write, say, the first fucking word of this; then maybe the rest will come easier, maybe not. But after I type the first word, maybe I can type the second.

I've been where you are, and often am still. Be good to yourself if you can

tom

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Why is it that if the misfortune is inside your skull, it's not a misfortune, but if it's anywhere else, it's a misfortune? Why does the anatomical location of the disease result in such a different judgement? If you break your left arm, are you less worthy than a patient who breaks their right arm?

And then, of course, besides people not getting it, the depression makes YOU not get it, either. Hard to remember this stuff when biology is turning up all the bad feelings, including guilt, shame, etc.

I used to think that my curmudgeonliness was an integral part of my personality. Prozac taught me that it isn't necessarily so. Some of the curmudgeonliness has returned, since I switched to Welbutrin, but I'm no longer dysthymic, the way I was most of my life. I still struggle with problems, but my default setting isn't so down. I have down times, of course, but they aren't as powerful and they don't last as long. I hope you can have the same kind of results or better.

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