By Talky Tina
It's 11 and I woke up at 2 or 3. I don't remember. I went to bed around midnight. I have a disappointed cat and a cold apartment. An appointment with one therapist tomorrow and another on Thursday.
Tomorrow is going to be with a therapist that has a focus on youth. I'm 29 so I'm only 'several months away from our last meeting. She's been with me for over 6 years. Oversaw my homelessness, my transition, my going into and out of hospitals. I want to keep seeing her weekly for years to come but I guess it's only reasonable. And the right time. If it wasn't I'd know. I just kind of.. I'unno.
Her and I talk about nightmares a lot. They really fucking suck. I don't know if it's because I forgot to take my med last night but I had a lot of them. Walked in on a play my friends were putting on. Accidentally wandered on stage and I didn't have a part in it. So I ran off stage and into a field that kept changing. I got a call from a friend and I couldn't describe what I was seeing. I realized that no one could understand and I was going crazy.
I then "woke up" in a dark room and someone was pounding on a door it was a rapist and I was in trouble. Lately I've been having those pop up in my dreams a lot. I won't share anymore. But I woke up for real and saw mealworms covering my body. And then the dream imagery stuff kind of faded away.
So. that's cool. Usually I write a bit of what I dream to my therapist when it's awful. It must not be weird to have a connection with a therapist you've been seeing. I mean.. C'mon it's their job. But. Still. I'm an adult and in a way I feel like I'm going to be stepping out into the big wide world alone. In some ways I've been alone for most of my life. It's just.. in some ways it feels more so now that we're dissolving the relationship. Her practice is growing in leaps and bounds. She's going on a sabbatical and I... the great 29 year old kid is going to be looking for new caregivers. I guess. In a couple of months.
Then why does it feel like it's already happened? Then why am I still scared to go to sleep like a child? Then why am I 29 years old still unable to go grocery shopping, step out of her apartment, still unable to shop for clothes and haven't done laundry in months? then why am I? I don't know... Why do I feel like I've already missed out on most of life? Unable to bring myself to play with my cat and spend a substantial amount of my time crying alone?
I guess I don't know. fuck life. right?