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Other peoples anger has always fucked with me. Now a new thing happens when I get yelled at, or now at any sudden noise, I jump. Sometimes I also cringe. It's entirely involuntary, but it irritates the angry person when it happens. I am making things worse, but I can't make it stop. It happens a lot, lost count around 50 yesterday.

I can't escape due to the pandemic. 

What I am looking for is some way to control this. I no longer have a tdoc or pdoc, just my GP 

Any ideas?

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When I lived with abusive people I used to just give back what they gave me as much as I was physically able. Nowadays, in my much more peaceful life, when I hear a loud noise or anyone barely raises their voice to me (and I mean barely), I cringe or jump. 

Perhaps because your husband didn’t used to be this way, it is harder for you to digest his abusive behavior. You should never have to put up with abuse at all, but I think this is something you don’t have a history of with him so it’s much harder to deal with it being a recent development. 

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I don't know a way of doing this without finding inner calm, I don't think you can fake inner calm and I don't know ho to get inner calm in an environment that's not calm.

Jumping is a neurological thing, we are changed physically and neurologically by trauma. Dance, yoga, somatic movement.. anything where you move and pay attention to the movement, is supposed to help rewire us (limited but promising studies) but I don't think it works if you're not calm. That's why we dance to music we like, that's why yoga and somatic movement usually work so hard to relax you.

If there is anything that can help you be calm I think it will work...

Sitting quietly and listening to music, you don't have to focus on your breath, don't worry about that, you can focus on the music, but you just check the breath every now and then and "set the intention" of having it be deep breaths, with the out-breath longer than the in-breath, but if it's not it doesn't matter...

but I don't know, it's hard living with someone with chronic anger, who knows if you trying to relax could also cause anger? There's a lot of uncertainty, it's natural to be on edge.

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Ok. You guys are wonderful thank you. 

I can't sit still and do anything(adhd) but I can walk. There is a park close by with a nature trail. Don't know why I didn't think of this. 

Also, tried to make a fucking mask. Can. Not. Do. It. No. Matter. What.

And I need to stop trying because it brought me to tears after hours of trying. I've looked at the videos and pictorials, I'm just kind of broken in several areas and a little unteachable or something.Can't do math, Can't spell, Can't read a map or find my way around. Can't believe in god or gods no matter how hard I try. I can't will away my depression. These are the things people yelled at me for. At home, at school, at the drug and alcohol treatment center that used attack therapy and made me the scapegoat and yelled at me daily for nine months. 

Didn't plan on that tangent.

Going for a walk in the woods.

 

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