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I was sexually abused as a child by my grandpa, my closer family also mistreated me, I was abused again at 18, 20 until 23 and oops I have intimacy and attachment issues as a result.

I feel so alienated from everybody. I can love and I actually do love almost anyone very easily, but I have a freaking difficult time actually feeling *truly* connected with someone. Like I can show love, I can talk about my past and everything (some parts anyway), I can talk about anything but I'm just...not there. It's like I'm an alien who's learnt how humans interact and bond with each other and I'm replicating it without the feelings that usually go with that. I feel connected to humanity at large, but just a very few persons.

I know my attachment style has changed ever since my last abusive relationship and since I started remembering about my grandad and my near death experience two years ago, but it's like for the last two years I was trying to tell myself I finally felt more attached to people, when in reality I don't, I'm just trying to stay in touch more regularely instead of taking two weeks to text back. I do look for different things in relationships, that's the only reason I know it's changed.

I feel fake, I feel like I'm fooling my friends for not really being able to feel attached to them when I do feel concerned for and interested in them and their lives. It's like I'm forcing them to feel attached to me when I simply can't do that. I'm usually a sweet person and I work on making sure everybody feels safe and comfortable when being around me, so I think most people do think I'm quite attached. It's like I'm putting on a show so people won't know how deep my trust issues run.

And also I'm afraid that I can't recognize in the moment how attached I am and the relationship ends, but five years on I suddenly realize. It's happened before. Yesterday and today I've been thinking about how attached I felt to my ex friends in the past and I'm just confused. I feel lost. It's always been like this even though I hadn't had a chance to be able to put it into words and think about it like this, but I've always had attachment issues. People are dear to me, I just don't *really* let anyone in even though it seems like I do.

I haven't talked about this with my psychiatrist, but I certainly will as soon as covid crisis lets us.

 

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Hi, Odin. I don’t have anything to add to your post, but I wanted to welcome you to CB. If you have any questions or need help navigating the site, please PM me.

Gearhead-admin

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9 hours ago, Gearhead said:

Hi, Odin. I don’t have anything to add to your post, but I wanted to welcome you to CB. If you have any questions or need help navigating the site, please PM me.

Gearhead-admin

Hi!

I had an account before, but someone hacked my email accounts and it's gone. I thought about including that in the post, but didn't. Sorry for being so straight on. Thank you!

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3 hours ago, Odio said:

Hi!

I had an account before, but someone hacked my email accounts and it's gone. I thought about including that in the post, but didn't. Sorry for being so straight on. Thank you!

Oh, don’t worry about it. Nice to see you again, whomever you are!

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Hi. From what you describe, it sounds as though you might benefit from the services of a psychologist (therapist) in addition to your pdoc. Meds can help you get through some of the aftermath of life-altering events such as you speak of, but addressing them at their root, with an eye to living beyond them, is the realm of therapy. Your pdoc may be able to refer you.

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Hi Odio! Welcome (back?) to the boards. I wasn't sexually abused but I also have attachment issues. When you've been treated like crap as a child you learn all the wrong lessons about what relationships should be, and it's difficult to unlearn even when you recognise that it's bullshit. It's difficult to really let anyone in, and you hold yourself at a distance because you're afraid of being hurt. Or I do anyway. Saying 'you' sounds like I'm trying to analyse you. Saying 'I' sounds self-absorbed. Saying 'one' would just make me sound like a pretentious arsehole. "One holds oneself at a distance." Sounds like you want to let someone in but I know that this isn't easy. It's not a story you want to tell but if people don't hear it then how can they really know you? I think that's where feeling fake comes into it. I sometimes think about telling all to people I know but I don't. That creates a distance. I do find it easier to talk about stuff like this online though. People here are friendly and understanding and I'm glad you've (re)joined.

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